Day 27

February 26, 2011 at 6:21 pm Leave a comment

A problem that you have had.

Jesus, thats a huge question. I’ve had a lot of problems.

I mean, physical, emotional, psychological, spiritual. You name it i’ve had an issue. My back is constantly screwed up, I have to wear wrist braces because I rode my bike too hard for too long, I’ve got more anxiety related quirks and tics than I have actual personality, and I really have no idea what I’m doing most of the time.

I guess my current problem is that I can’t seem to get the things that are going on in my mind out on paper.

You see, I’m writing a novella instead of taking English102, and I have this story in my head but every time I go to write it down I get maybe a page out and then it just stops. My ability to write just goes out the window and I devolve in to someone with a 6th grade writing level and a fondness for commas that far exceeds their necessity.

I keep telling myself that I’ll just sit down and write it, but the problem with that plan is that the product wouldn’t be good. I need what I produce to be good. Art, writing, cooking, speaking, I have the constant driving need to be good at these things.

This is problematic, because I am imperfect and cannot be exceptional at everything I try. Actually, I guess that is my problem. I expect perfection. I expect perfection and I cannot follow through. For example, I had a 3.48 last semester and I was incredibly unhappy with that GPA since I’ve been used to a 4.0 at Temple. Even though I know on an objective level that I should be happy (especially considering I take an overloaded schedule) I still kick myself for not having a higher GPA. It’s so stupid of me, but I can’t help it.

That problem of expecting perfection is an overarching theme in my life. It is a constant driving force in everything I do, and has honestly created some disordered behaviors that I have had to work hard to get past.

At the same time, it is a driving force in my life, and if I were to overcome that problem completely I don’t know if i’d be able to make art or write or do anything besides lay around being content with myself.


Entry filed under: Artz, Rambling, Wall Of Text.

Day 26 Day 28

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