College and college-based anxiety

March 10, 2010 at 7:29 am Leave a comment

Photos in the following post are just there to beak up the wall of text. They’re just random photos I had lying around.

Warning: if you don’t like listening to people drivel on about their various neurosis DO NOT read past this point.

Okay, here is the problem: I have issues. Not debilitating issues, but issues that make life slightly less excitement-inducing and fun filled.

First, I have the whole “I would not want to be in any club that would have me as a member” issue. Constantly. Literally any school or project or anything that actively wants me to join I assume is terrible. This, as you can probably guess is a problem when it comes to deciding where to go to school. If the best school for me offers me hella scholarships and actively pursues me I will have an automatic gut reaction that tells me to get far away from there (yes, this is problematic in relationships too but we’re talking about colleges today.) That happened last time (more than 2 years ago, yikes) with MICA. I think part of the reason I decided to go to SAIC was because MICA was being too clingy and SAIC seemed aloof. I think deep down I like the idea of having to work really hard. I don’t know. My other worry is that I blew it when I left SAIC. I was (despite what every single person assumed when I mentioned that I was leaving) doing really well there. I was making art that I was really committed to and interested in and getting attention for that work from students and faculty. I had some good friends, a teacher was even actively seeking me out to try and have me in their class (this blew my mind at the time, and of course I automatically assumed that said class was terrible because I am an idiot.) I really worry that I won’t have the same opportunities ever again. I feel like maybe fate will punish me for being wishy-washy about what I wanted to do with my life and leaving that behind.

I’m also worried I can’t make art any more. I’ve been going through a bit of a dry spell and I’m worried I’ll show up on the first day of classes wherever I end up and I won’t be able to make a damn thing.


Entry filed under: Rambling, Wall Of Text.

Today’s post is brought to you by the color red. Next four years

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